Updater

A short update.
I don't have long to write, but I just received an email from Dr. Barret. A short line:

"After thinking it over for two to three days, I decided to ask Jeff in our class to be the TA for my 313H class in the fall."

And I'll admit that I had gotten my hopes up high enough that I cried.
Well, I guess that takes one factor out of my decision for what to do with my life. I'm sure there is an upside.
Somewhere.

Life is Ironic

It's true. Life is completely ironic. List time! (Some members in my family have inherited the "I love to make lists" gene. I got it too. :) ) It's a short list, although there are probably many more I can't think of right now.

• Today is the first day of finals, and the weather is beautiful, and my apartment complex is filling up the pool. The tree outside our balcony is blooming, and there is plenty of grass for a picnic.
• Sometimes the things we want the most are the things that make us the most unhappy.
• Art is used to express feelings about life, yet many artists give up life (which should be their inspiration) for their art. No wonder they are often depressed.
• The things we practice the most are often the things we need to practice the least (this is particularly applicable to my studying habits for finals).

That's all I have for now, but hopefully you have some of your own to think about. Life is ironic.

Nerd

Recently, the term "nerd" has been forcefully brought to my attention. In this last semester I have been called a nerd more times by one person specifically than I have by everyone else in my whole life combined. Naturally, it made me think a little harder about the term.
I'll admit, it actually bothers me. I love learning, but no one has ever looked down on me for it before. In high school from what people said to my face I was smart, but still respected. I don't define myself by my major, by my "smart"ness, or even by my grades. That is such a little part of who I am, and how I view myself. I'd much rather people think of me as friendly, happy, kind, a good cook, the girl with a big smile. Maybe even define me as an artist. Not nerd. I shouldn't care what people think of me, but I do sometimes. Sometimes I have to. Doesn't the average person care if their friends like them?
So, in order to settle my thoughts about the matter, I looked up the word "nerd" online. The irony - that is a really nerdy thing to do. But I did it. And here is what I found.

• "an insignificant student who is ridiculed as being affected or boringly studious"
• "Nerd is a term often bearing a derogatory connotation or stereotype, that refers to a person who passionately pursues intellectual activities"
• "A person who, although having good technical or scientific skills, is introspective and generally introverted"

Gross. Not exactly what I wanted to hear.
Then I found this:

"Nerd – Supposedly the term was coined in the 1940s at the Renssellear Polytechnic Institute in Troy, New York. It was meant to describe the opposite of a party person, a.k.a., a drunk. The opposite of a “drunk” is a “knurd”—pronounced “nerd.” "

And, I'll admit, it made my day. Being the opposite of a drunk doesn't have to define me either, but I can definitely handle it.
Take that.

Decisions, Opportunities, and Life in General

It seems that whenever I think I have my plans for the future (even the immediate future, like the next week or two) all set out perfectly, is exactly when everything decides to jump out the window - self defenestration, if you will. It's not always bad, but it is always unexpected.
This time it all started with a phone call. It was on my birthday. I didn't hear it, and actually I didn't even answer. But they left me a message. It was Macey's, my supposed summer employment. I've been a faithful employee for years, and they have kept me on as a summer employee for quite some time. In the past they always seemed happy to have me back. They don't have a spot for me. They don't have hours, and when they do have hours, it won't be full time like I need. Well then. Source of income - gone.
At nearly the same time, I started considering becoming a TA for Linear Algebra (Math 334), which I love. I enjoy the class, it makes sense to me, the professor is nice (wonderful actually - the perfect grandpa figure), and I even like the textbook. I love to teach, and I like helping people with their homework. While I was still thinking about it, he emailed me. He actually emailed the top nine students offering them a TA position. I jumped on it. "I am interested!"
Turns out that Dr. Barret is only teaching the Honors section of the class next semester, which means that they meet every day, and that the TA teaches on Tuesdays and Thursdays. They will also be teaching Matlab - a computer program language/program for more complex math - which I don't know at all.
I met with Dr. Barret to talk about it, and he seemed optimistic about me getting the job. He was super relaxed. Only one other student has shown interest, and it sounds like they don't have my pizaz. :)
Anyhoo, the point of all that is that I might have a job for the fall, which is comforting considering my current financial situation. The one problem is that I have to teach myself Matlab over the summer, which would clearly be easiest if I was here at BYU, where it is on all of the computers.
I talked to my dad, and his response was, "well, maybe you need to stay in Provo for the summer." I could get a job, maybe get some classes done, and learn Matlab. I really actually want to. So there is that decision. Along with the opportunity. And I have to face it all, and figure it out, while acing my finals. Here I go.

Best Birthday EVER

Yesterday was my Twentieth Birthday. Without a doubt, it was the BEST birthday EVER.
The night before the big day it snowed and snowed. I hate it when it snows on my birthday, and I told my roommates that I wanted it to be sunny on my birthday. Claire replied, "Watch, it will stop snowing at midnight, just for you." At 11pm the night before my birthday, it stopped snowing.
I woke up an hour before my alarm. I couldn't fall back to sleep if I wanted to. So I got up. And looked out the window. The sun was rising, just barely starting to light up the valley, and there wasn't a cloud in sight. The sky was turning from gray to blue. I got ready for school, looked in the mirror, and felt beautiful, and utterly happy. On my way to school it was a bit chilly, but birds were singing, the sun was rising, and there were even daffodils, some of my favorite flowers. God gives the very best birthday gifts.
Classes went wonderfully. My teachers were happy, and kind. In a break between classes I went and bought the traditional maple bar to celebrate. I just happened to run into a friend so that I didn't have to eat it alone. Classes were wonderful. Most people in my classes didn't remember that it was my birthday, but that didn't bother me. They were my friends, which is a good enough gift. And the day continued to get warmer.
When I finally finished classes I met up with my dad and brother who were down in Provo, checkin' out BYU. The hope is that we can get Willie to go here. We hung out, and then Willie and I went to the mall. I found some stuff I wanted for my birthday (pearls and a shirt), and ran into some friends. My parents met back up with Willie and I and we went out to dinner, then we went to BYU Idol, and had a fabulous time. We laughed and talked and it reminded me how good of friends they are to me. I just felt entirely happy. My family is amazing.
When I got home, my roommates were there. They are wonderful just by existing. When I said my evening prayer I started to cry because I was so happy and grateful for the best day ever. In the middle I felt something placed on the bed in front of me, and heard Claire rush off, giggling. I opened my eyes to a card and a gift. She gave me the cutest card ever and a pie dish (which I am excited to use as soon as possible). She was surprised when I burst into tears again. How could anyone be so happy? Claire is absolutely the best room-roommate I could have asked for. I have the best friends and family. I feel totally loved.
I had the best birthday I could have even imagined.

A fitting entry from my Jottings book-

Feb. 16, 2010

"There times that  I am so filled with joy that walking seems too mortal of transportation. I feel like I should fly or dance wherever I go. Flying isn't possible, and and dancing looks too crazy, so I suppress my body into a walk, only allowing a skip to slip in every once in a while. My feet won't be entirely controlled.

"Then I feel like that joy - pure sunshine - in my heart might begin to burn its way out. That it might begin to make my eyes and grin glow until it begins to beam out of every pore. Somehow this glowing, beaming, might make possible a whole new form of traveling I can't even imagine."

Times Are A-Changin'

So it finally happened. I knew it was coming, but now it happened. Claire got engaged this weekend. Mindy got engaged this January. And I need to face the happy, sad, shocking truth - my two best friends are engaged. They both are moving on this summer.
I know, I know. We will still be friends. But everyone has to admit that things are changing, and that we need to move on, to a point. I finally have to admit that I can't fill the role of best friend anymore. He has to.

I can't express the joy I feel for them. They did it! They reached the goal, the point of everything we have learned thus far in our lives. They found the person they will spend eternity with, and they will make the covenants that will ensure them salvation, exaltation, life with God. They are on the road. They did it. They haven't made it yet, but once they make those eternal covenants, they are on track. On track to endless joy. How wonderful! And that I got to witness it, slightly be a part of it! My love just overflows for them.

As I watch them go, ride off into the married land that I have to wait to join them in, I am learning about myself.
I was always taught that God wouldn't challenge me above what I was able to handle. And I know that is true. This time last year I couldn't have stood on my own, I couldn't have handled watching them grow, and leave. But now I can. I will cry, hug, wave goodbye, and live. I can just be purely happy for them.
Congrats Claire and Devin! I wish you the very best and I love you!! :)

Thoughts from Yesterday

From my "Jottings" notebook:

March 31, 2010

There are days when all I want is to sit in a public place, watch people live, and think. When I want to be in the midst of a crowd and be alone with myself, in my own mind. And, for just a little while, just BE. Not do, or go, or act, but BE.
Then I can remember that there is joy in just existing.
Today is one of those days.