Some days I just don't like the same things that I do other days.
Some days I wake up, and Physics just has no appeal to me anymore, and I am simply not a physicist. I am an artist. :)
Today was like that. I can do physics fine, so my job still is fine, but it isn't as exciting as it is most the time. It is almost like my brain is rebelling and going on holiday. I guess that means that the left side of my brain just quits and lets the right side take over completely for a day. I probably shouldn't enjoy those days as much as I do, but as I sit typing in my chaos of a kitchen (paints and all the rest of the junk that goes with painting strewn everywhere, pain on chin and thumb) I am very happy about it. These days could happen more often and it would be okay.
Sometimes on these days I am a dancer. That's fun, too. My pianist days don't happen very often anymore. I wonder if all scientists go through sudden day career changes. Or maybe I am just not a real scientist. That's okay too. What about real artists? Do they have scientist or scholar or writer days? Do professional musicians have random days when all they want to do is build things? Or do doctors suddenly have a longing to be a professional chef? Or do chefs suddenly desire the life of librarian?
I would like to think they do.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Weird Songs
This week I have been introduced to two very strange songs. The problem is that weird songs have a tendency to be very memorable - they have been stuck in my head allll week.
The first was a friend in my ward. Apparently some people hadn't believed her that it was a real song, so she found it to show to us.
"Happiness Runs" by Donovan (skip in about a minute or so - the intro is boring)
The next one is one that my sister claims was popular when she was in high school (the '90s). I can't seem to believe it for some reason. It probably is one of the weirdest songs I have ever heard.
"Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by Crash Test Dummies
What do you think? Yeah, that's what I thought.
The first was a friend in my ward. Apparently some people hadn't believed her that it was a real song, so she found it to show to us.
"Happiness Runs" by Donovan (skip in about a minute or so - the intro is boring)
The next one is one that my sister claims was popular when she was in high school (the '90s). I can't seem to believe it for some reason. It probably is one of the weirdest songs I have ever heard.
"Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by Crash Test Dummies
What do you think? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Artist of the Day
I just discovered a new artist that I really love. I am blown away by his ability to paint with his pallet knife, the strength of his color choice, and the detail that my mind can create from his lack of detail. It is beautiful.
His name is Leonid Afemov.
There is your art appreciation moment of the day. :)
His name is Leonid Afemov.
 | |
| This one is my very favorite. How beautiful!!! |
Monday, June 27, 2011
Full Circle
"Dear Sister Atkin:
You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Missouri Independence Mission. In addition to your calling to share the gospel, you will be assigned to serve in the Independence Visitors' Center. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months.
You should report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on Wednesday, September 28, 2011. While at the Missionary Training Center, you will also receive special training in conducting tours. You will prepare to preach the gospel in the English language."
There you have it. I got my call. :) Remember how in my last post I said that I wanted to serve foreign? I take it back. It's amazing how well God knows us, and how much he knows better than our puny minds can comprehend. I am astounded by how many things are so perfect about my mission, and I haven't even gotten there yet to meet the people.
Part of the reason that I thought I would go foreign is that there is a line in my Patriarchal Blessing that says I will testify of the gospel "abroad". I assumed that that referred to my mission. After I opened my call, I quietly went upstairs to a bedroom and knelt down to thank God for giving me this amazing opportunity to serve Him. As I was praying, another line from my blessing jumped out in my memory. I literally gasped out loud. I had been reading the wrong part all along!! I felt so silly - there are at lease three references to missionary work in my blessing, and I had just gotten stuck on one of them. The line I had just recalled will be fulfilled on my mission in Missouri more than it could be anywhere else. In the middle of my prayer of gratitude I was given another thing to be grateful for - a witness of the truthfulness of Patriarchal Blessings as well as the reality of the revelation behind my call.
Another miracle is also playing out. Included in the boundaries of my mission is a little town called Iola, Kansas. Over fifty years ago, my grandmother and her family were taught the gospel and baptized there. They were the only baptisms that their elder had his entire mission.
A few years ago, we had a family reunion with all of the members of that family and their descendents. The missionary that converted my family was invited. We were all excited to meet him, but not as excited as he was to meet us. He is now white haired and a little hunched, but he was grinning ear to ear. From the one family he converted, over fifty missionaries have served, resulting in hundreds of baptisms (and counting!). How great shall be his joy with us in the kingdom of our Father! (D&C 18:15-16).
It is truly amazing that I get to go back to that same area of Kansas and return the favor. My grandmother was there to see me open my call, and she just cried. I feel so blessed to be a part of this beautiful full circle. I really hope to at least drive through Iola on my mission.
Another amazing thing about my mission is that it shares its entire south border with the Oklahoma Tulsa Mission, where Willie (my little brother) will be serving. He will be there for all of my mission, so we will always be within a few hundred miles of each other. I'm so excited to have a few similar experiences that might come out of being in the same part of the country! We will definitely drive back together later to visit our missions. The Midwest is getting a double dose of the Atkins.
I am also excited that I will be able to learn so much about the history of the church. When I am giving tours in the Visitors' Center, I will really have to know the history. Independence has so many cool stories, and some important prophesies tied to it. I will be building Zion in Zion. :) What an amazing opportunity to learn!
Basically, I know that I am going to the right mission for me. I wouldn't change it for the world. It wasn't what I was expecting (life never is), but now that I know I could never go back. I'm going on a mission. To Independence, Missouri!!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
It Came!!
So my family checked the mail today and there was a large white envelope waiting there for me.
For Sister Atkin.
Holy Smokes.
Of course I am freaking out a little right now, but it will do no good because it is with my family in Logan, and I can't open it until Saturday, even if I did want to take a peak (which I do).
It is so unreal! Of course, all of the possibilities are racing through my brain right now. My family is playing a guessing game, but they each get five guesses, which I think is a bit excessive. They will easily cover the whole globe with their guesses.
I am dying to hold it in my hands to judge its thickness. Honestly, I really want it to be really thick, which means that at this point I am telling myself that it is too thin (in my imaginary image of the envelope I have never seen) to be foreign, and talking myself into being super excited about serving in Boise. Which I will be, of course. Above all, I am just trying to not have expectations, which is impossible. I'm canceling out my foreign expectations with more local ones in the hopes that too many contradictory expectations will add up to be the same as having none.
And now I am just rambling hopelessly, my thoughts moving like drunkards (you know, some loud, some moody and quiet, some wavering or meandering all over, giddy, or violent, others passed out in the back and so on), so I had better just try to convince my stomach that food is actually a good idea.
These are going to be three very long days.
For Sister Atkin.
Holy Smokes.
Of course I am freaking out a little right now, but it will do no good because it is with my family in Logan, and I can't open it until Saturday, even if I did want to take a peak (which I do).
It is so unreal! Of course, all of the possibilities are racing through my brain right now. My family is playing a guessing game, but they each get five guesses, which I think is a bit excessive. They will easily cover the whole globe with their guesses.
I am dying to hold it in my hands to judge its thickness. Honestly, I really want it to be really thick, which means that at this point I am telling myself that it is too thin (in my imaginary image of the envelope I have never seen) to be foreign, and talking myself into being super excited about serving in Boise. Which I will be, of course. Above all, I am just trying to not have expectations, which is impossible. I'm canceling out my foreign expectations with more local ones in the hopes that too many contradictory expectations will add up to be the same as having none.
And now I am just rambling hopelessly, my thoughts moving like drunkards (you know, some loud, some moody and quiet, some wavering or meandering all over, giddy, or violent, others passed out in the back and so on), so I had better just try to convince my stomach that food is actually a good idea.
These are going to be three very long days.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Filth
Last night I had a horrible experience. I've been stewing about it, so I am going to vent to you in the hopes that it will lighten my mind.
Two guys in my ward invited me to go to this comedy thing. They are both great guys, so I trusted them. It was an open mic thing, and they wanted to try their hand at real comedy (they have done ward comedy shows and stuff). So they invited me along for fun because they were nervous.
It was in SLC, so we drove up pretty early to get them on the list. We got there and they were pretty excited. We bought pizza and they went over their jokes. Then we went to the thing. The MC swore a little and had a few dirty things in his opening, but we thought that it would get better and the guys so badly wanted their turn that we stayed.
It didn't get better. It got much much worse. Some of the audience was definitely getting drunk. The comedians were not even attempting to be vague about the filth they were presenting as comedy. Even if I had liked filth, it wouldn't have been funny. I don't know why I stayed as long as I did; I suppose I was waiting for the guys to protect me or to be the leaders--I trusted them. They didn't. After listening to the absolutely most degrading, dehumanizing, disgusting filth I have ever heard in my life for a seemingly immeasurable amount of time, I finally walked out. One of the guys came out with me and asked me if I was okay.
But they still wanted their turn, so we stayed. I went back in just long enough to hear them do their parts, and then we left. We talked about it for just a second--long enough for them to briefly say sorry and say that it was the nastiest stuff they had ever heard, and then they changed topics and expected me to get over it and laugh with them the way back. I didn't.
When I am really upset like that, I retreat. I go all blank faced and stony. We got back and they said bye, and sorry again, and I walked into my apartment. As soon as the door was shut, I just knelt down and sobbed. My roommate had just moved out, so I was alone. I was very upset.
I texted my best friend Erilyn and she came over to comfort me. What I would have done without her, I have no idea. She ran her fingers through my hair and helped me breathe. She even slept over to make sure I was okay. Thank you, Erilyn!!
Now I am alone again and I am trying to heal and detox my brain. I do want you to know that these guys are good people. They weren't comfortable there either. But they stayed. I was really mad at them (mostly just one of them that I had really trusted) for a few hours, but I now see that it does no good. It happened. They have to live with that in their brains, too. It's no wonder that people think the world is such a horrible place.
As I was talking to Erilyn about it, I realized that I want to go on a mission even more. Not to run away from having to deal with stuff like that, but to find people who are stuck in the mire, those people who have stopped seeing the beauty in life and in other human beings and bring them the light and hope that I have. I want to help those people who are suffocating in the dark like I felt I was for that short period of time. There is beauty and light and even joy in the world! It is real! Christ lives, and through Him we can find peace, joy, happiness, real success, light, strength, purity, and the power to change our lives for the better. I know that I can use the atonement to heal my heart and to help me feel clean again. Life is valuable and can be used for good and I am determined to do it.
I have also learned my lesson. I can't trust other people to protect me anymore. I'm grown up. I will never let anything like that happen again. I will have the strength stand up and walk out, even without my friends who are also good people. What a small price to pay for a clean conscience!
Thank you. My load feels lighter already.
Two guys in my ward invited me to go to this comedy thing. They are both great guys, so I trusted them. It was an open mic thing, and they wanted to try their hand at real comedy (they have done ward comedy shows and stuff). So they invited me along for fun because they were nervous.
It was in SLC, so we drove up pretty early to get them on the list. We got there and they were pretty excited. We bought pizza and they went over their jokes. Then we went to the thing. The MC swore a little and had a few dirty things in his opening, but we thought that it would get better and the guys so badly wanted their turn that we stayed.
It didn't get better. It got much much worse. Some of the audience was definitely getting drunk. The comedians were not even attempting to be vague about the filth they were presenting as comedy. Even if I had liked filth, it wouldn't have been funny. I don't know why I stayed as long as I did; I suppose I was waiting for the guys to protect me or to be the leaders--I trusted them. They didn't. After listening to the absolutely most degrading, dehumanizing, disgusting filth I have ever heard in my life for a seemingly immeasurable amount of time, I finally walked out. One of the guys came out with me and asked me if I was okay.
But they still wanted their turn, so we stayed. I went back in just long enough to hear them do their parts, and then we left. We talked about it for just a second--long enough for them to briefly say sorry and say that it was the nastiest stuff they had ever heard, and then they changed topics and expected me to get over it and laugh with them the way back. I didn't.
When I am really upset like that, I retreat. I go all blank faced and stony. We got back and they said bye, and sorry again, and I walked into my apartment. As soon as the door was shut, I just knelt down and sobbed. My roommate had just moved out, so I was alone. I was very upset.
I texted my best friend Erilyn and she came over to comfort me. What I would have done without her, I have no idea. She ran her fingers through my hair and helped me breathe. She even slept over to make sure I was okay. Thank you, Erilyn!!
Now I am alone again and I am trying to heal and detox my brain. I do want you to know that these guys are good people. They weren't comfortable there either. But they stayed. I was really mad at them (mostly just one of them that I had really trusted) for a few hours, but I now see that it does no good. It happened. They have to live with that in their brains, too. It's no wonder that people think the world is such a horrible place.
As I was talking to Erilyn about it, I realized that I want to go on a mission even more. Not to run away from having to deal with stuff like that, but to find people who are stuck in the mire, those people who have stopped seeing the beauty in life and in other human beings and bring them the light and hope that I have. I want to help those people who are suffocating in the dark like I felt I was for that short period of time. There is beauty and light and even joy in the world! It is real! Christ lives, and through Him we can find peace, joy, happiness, real success, light, strength, purity, and the power to change our lives for the better. I know that I can use the atonement to heal my heart and to help me feel clean again. Life is valuable and can be used for good and I am determined to do it.
I have also learned my lesson. I can't trust other people to protect me anymore. I'm grown up. I will never let anything like that happen again. I will have the strength stand up and walk out, even without my friends who are also good people. What a small price to pay for a clean conscience!
Thank you. My load feels lighter already.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Waiting for the Mail
I think it is about time that I finally wrote a post about my plans for the next year.
I'm going on a mission.
It's really happening.
Tuesday night I met with a member of the stake presidency (now that I think of it, I have no idea what his name was or what his position was in the stake, but I'm told it should have been a member of the stake presidency) to finalize my papers. Now all I can do is wait until my call arrives within three weeks.
It was short, but it was beautiful. He looked over my papers, asked me a few questions about my background, and lots of questions about my worthiness and reasons for going on a mission. It was amazing. As I explained to him why I was going on a mission, it clicked. It just fit. I bore the most clear, meaningful testimony I have ever born in my life, and it all just felt good to my core. I AM going on a mission!
Getting to this point has been quite a journey. Growing up I never really considered a mission. I thought that missions were for sisters who didn't have other things to do, and that girls that went on missions never got married because when they got back they were too old. I just didn't think it was for me.
Then I remember going to EFY when I was 16, and one of the guys in my company (no, I wasn't even interested in him) asked me if I planned on going on a mission. When I said no, he looked at me strangely and asked me why. I gave him some sort of unsatisfactory answer, and the conversation moved on. But his facial expression really made me think about it - why wouldn't I serve a mission? My mind slowly started to change.
My perspective changed as my guy friends left on missions, and now as all my girl friends are leaving and my guy friends are getting back.
About last November I realized I had to really come to a decision. I've been fasting and praying about it since. But I kept getting a peaceful feeling like God was listening, but no answer. I was patient, with only a few moments of impatience. I had a really cool experience in the temple where we talked about it, and I was basically told that the answer wouldn't fall out of the sky, and that I had to start moving in some direction and make some decision on my own, and then he would tell me. So I started my papers in March. Then I thought I deserved an answer, but it still didn't come. In moments of clarity I would really want to go, and the answer I felt was that it didn't really matter - it was up to me.
And that it pretty much where it stayed for months. I finally decided to just go through with it. I couldn't wait forever, and I don't have housing in the fall, and I was basically just planning on going anyway. I decided that I would go unless I felt a big "no." And I didn't, so I went for it.
Last Tuesday, a week ago, I finally finished. And my call will come in about a week. I don't really understand how I feel about it. I am excited, but it really doesn't feel real. It is still kinda hard for me to talk about how I feel about it, because there is so much. It was (is) hard because I am so filled with so many emotions. There are so many things that scare me about a mission and so many things that I am excited about. I just need to remember how right it felt during my interview. I also need to remember that if I'm not supposed to go on a mission, God would tell me. He wouldn't use fear to keep me home - He would show me some other option or just flat out say no. Fear is not from God. My excitement and testimony are from him, though. :) So here we goooo...
I'm going on a mission.
It's really happening.
Tuesday night I met with a member of the stake presidency (now that I think of it, I have no idea what his name was or what his position was in the stake, but I'm told it should have been a member of the stake presidency) to finalize my papers. Now all I can do is wait until my call arrives within three weeks.
It was short, but it was beautiful. He looked over my papers, asked me a few questions about my background, and lots of questions about my worthiness and reasons for going on a mission. It was amazing. As I explained to him why I was going on a mission, it clicked. It just fit. I bore the most clear, meaningful testimony I have ever born in my life, and it all just felt good to my core. I AM going on a mission!
Getting to this point has been quite a journey. Growing up I never really considered a mission. I thought that missions were for sisters who didn't have other things to do, and that girls that went on missions never got married because when they got back they were too old. I just didn't think it was for me.
Then I remember going to EFY when I was 16, and one of the guys in my company (no, I wasn't even interested in him) asked me if I planned on going on a mission. When I said no, he looked at me strangely and asked me why. I gave him some sort of unsatisfactory answer, and the conversation moved on. But his facial expression really made me think about it - why wouldn't I serve a mission? My mind slowly started to change.
My perspective changed as my guy friends left on missions, and now as all my girl friends are leaving and my guy friends are getting back.
About last November I realized I had to really come to a decision. I've been fasting and praying about it since. But I kept getting a peaceful feeling like God was listening, but no answer. I was patient, with only a few moments of impatience. I had a really cool experience in the temple where we talked about it, and I was basically told that the answer wouldn't fall out of the sky, and that I had to start moving in some direction and make some decision on my own, and then he would tell me. So I started my papers in March. Then I thought I deserved an answer, but it still didn't come. In moments of clarity I would really want to go, and the answer I felt was that it didn't really matter - it was up to me.
And that it pretty much where it stayed for months. I finally decided to just go through with it. I couldn't wait forever, and I don't have housing in the fall, and I was basically just planning on going anyway. I decided that I would go unless I felt a big "no." And I didn't, so I went for it.
Last Tuesday, a week ago, I finally finished. And my call will come in about a week. I don't really understand how I feel about it. I am excited, but it really doesn't feel real. It is still kinda hard for me to talk about how I feel about it, because there is so much. It was (is) hard because I am so filled with so many emotions. There are so many things that scare me about a mission and so many things that I am excited about. I just need to remember how right it felt during my interview. I also need to remember that if I'm not supposed to go on a mission, God would tell me. He wouldn't use fear to keep me home - He would show me some other option or just flat out say no. Fear is not from God. My excitement and testimony are from him, though. :) So here we goooo...
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